#4: How Trauma Can Lead Us to Our Purpose
The pandemic has catalyzed trauma, large and small. There are deaths, there is fear and anxiety, there is increasing depression.
And it turns out that depression and anxiety are highest among young people. In previous disasters, it has been children who were most affected by the devastation. They masterfully hide their feelings, only to suffer for the rest of their lives.
How do we meet such trauma? In this episode, we speak with guest Marlana Qualls about her childhood trauma and how it has brought her to an unexpected outcome.
“The pain brings you closer to your reason, your life will, what you're here for.”
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Transcript
Welcome to this episode of The Last Healer, a podcast dedicated to helping us return to our original nature.
With us today is Dr. Stuart Bernstein, working again with long-time student Marlana Qualls.
The Last Healer. Who might that be? You. We are each our own last healer. When medical intervention began thousands of years ago, all that was needed was a word from another person to right the imbalance. And that person wasn't necessarily even a medical practitioner.
Today, a few people are attempting to return to living in this way, to life as a full person. You'll hear about their journeys in The Last Healer podcast where we speak in unscripted conversation with individuals who have set upon this course. In our conversations, they arrive at new insights and understandings in real time during the podcast.
Our initial episodes explore the beginnings of our lives, in our mother's womb and in childhood. How does a woman come to balance marriage, non-sacrificial motherhood, and her own fullness? How could she raise her children to be free and healthy and aware of our interconnectedness?
May the words spoken in today's podcast spark a long-dormant way of knowing, hidden within yourself, and help you right your course.
Dr. Bernstein (01:41):
My teacher once explained that people in this civilization are subject to four types of karma: family, individual—which encompasses generational karma—religious, and nationality. Karma is something we attract from a state of imbalance, usually manifesting in any kind of entanglement, oftentimes violent. He assured my classmates and I that upon awakening to our original nature, all karma vanishes. Now to the subject at hand.
(02:39) So, yes, and your karma, what?
Marlana Qualls:
Okay. My karma, I feel a couple things, is that I came in with three really nasty things. Don’t laugh.
Dr.B:
Oh, you had pimples when I first started treating you, I remember that.
MQ:
No! I didn't have any pimples. (laughter) Maybe I did actually at that point. Um, no, no, no. The first thing I feel like I came in with is this huge, it just feels like this huge over-responsibility disposition, like where I feel bigger than myself, like where I take on, I take on responsibilities that aren't mine to try to control outcomes, if that makes sense, out of fear, and I came in with that. I felt that before that I was, I was born that way. For better for worse.
The second thing I have is, and that is—
Dr.B (03:50):
Is trying to control—
MQ:
Control things and yeah, stop things, prevent things that like are in, but it's all out of reaction. It's all out of fear. It's all out of—
Dr.B:
Out of fear.
MQ:
Um-hum
Dr.B:
What are you afraid, what would you be afraid of?
MQ:
[in a whisper] Oh, God. People dying. I'm afraid of people dying, my loved ones dying, and I'm afraid of being cut off from them, like without being, having any control over it, like and not getting back to them. Like trapped, almost like prisoned away from them.
Dr.B (04:22)
Oh good. Let yourself feel it.
MQ:
[laughing] I feel it, and it's healing. I can feel that that wound is healing.
Dr.B:
Yeah.
MQ:
It doesn't have me.
Dr.B:
What's the wound?
MQ:
[crying] Oh, I have two wounds. My biggest wound is I lost my brother, very, in a very violent tragedy when I was almost eighteen years old. He just, he got hit by a car and died while riding his BMX bike home. It was awful. And I remember when my mom called me on my phone to tell me my brother died that my whole world just stopped, yet somewhere I knew it was gonna happen. And that's the twisted thing.
Dr.B:
You what?
MQ:
Somewhere I knew that was coming, my worst fear.
Dr.B (05:20) :
And you knew it was coming, and you couldn’t stop it.
MQ:
No, and that, to this day, what haunts me is that I feel like I missed something because I, my mission when I was born was to stop all that stuff from happening. That's really what my mission was. So—
Dr.B (05:44):
Is that still your mission?
MQ:
No, because it doesn't work. And it makes me feel, it makes me feel really bad. And I know there's another way.
Oh, it's really strange because I feel my brother right now, and I can feel that, I can feel that he has a sadness because of what happened and the tragedy that we, we participated in. Um, it's really painful for him and he's, because he, he was so far gone from himself at that point, and it's just such a loss, you just, when you're that separated from yourself, you just almost don't have a say consciously cuz you're not connected. Does that make sense? You're not—
Dr.B (06:51):
Yeah, so I'm sensing there's another wound that you spoke, you spoke of two wounds, and I'm—
MQ:
Yeah.
Dr.B:
And something tells me that one pertains to your brother as well.
MQ:
Oh. I just, I wish he would have, would have had what my family has right now. [sniffles] I don't know if that's another wound. I just, he didn't have what he needed to be upright and awake and conscious of what he was creating for himself. He didn't have any support. I don't know if that's the wound that has to do with him.
Dr.B (07:43):
Since I know a little bit about you [laughter], I, I'm speaking to your parents' divorce.
MQ:
That’s what I thought. Okay, that is my other wound. Yes, and I don't know. I think the divorce itself is very, very painful. I hate it to this day. Because I see, well, I see all the parts that created it, which are very painful, but they also motivate me in my life to not create that, but it was the way that it happened I think that was, that's, um, really gross. All of it is so gross when I feel it right now. It's just so, it feels so, um, adrenal—
Dr.B:
Violent.
MQ:
Violent. There's like a sense of yearning for something that's not there. Um.
Dr.B (08:43):
Was it necessary all of it?
MQ:
It must have been.
Dr.B:
Um hum
MQ:
Because it wasn't not going to happen.
Dr.B:
You couldn't stop it.
MQ:
No, I couldn't stop it. And somewhere I knew that I couldn't stop it, I think. I'm feeling that right now that I knew that I couldn't stop it, but I knew that this is what I needed to heal. But it makes me mad for agreeing to it because it's been really awful.
Dr.B (09:08)
What makes you mad for agreeing to it?
MQ:
That I would, here's the other part. What makes me mad is not having enough self-worth to, to participate in something different. that doesn't have pain attached to it, that doesn't have violence attached to it, and I'm not, I'm not really sure. I feel like when we're not in touch with our substance that we magnetize certain energies. And the energies that I've magnetized have been very, you know, what we've already said—violent.
Dr.B (09:59):
So when you say your substance, what do you mean?
MQ:
I mean my who want my spirit, like who, who I am, like what I'm, my worth, my, me, like me, like Marlana, like in my belly.
Dr.B:
Um hum. Thank you.
MQ:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I mean.
Dr.B (10:21):
Your brother?
MQ:
Yeah.
Dr.B:
Can you feel him? Now?
MQ:
Uh-huh.
Dr.B:
What do you get?
MQ:
Well, I honestly feel a pain, a tremendous pain around the abruptness—
Dr.B:
Yeah
MQ:
—of his death.
Dr.B:
Yes.
MQ:
Even though things were leading up to it, this is, this is the wound that haunts me, is the abruptness. It felt when he died, it felt like my life was just, went like I was slashed in half, just cut through the middle.
Dr.B (11:00):
Where'd you go from there? You were cut in half.
MQ:
I decided that I was going to leave Colorado, get out of my house, and I moved to California, and I danced. I trained harder in dance than I'd ever trained before.
Dr.B:
Oh, I love the sound of your word "harder." That was good. Yeah.
MQ:
That’s what I did. Ran myself into a brick wall so that I didn't have to deal with crap here. So—
Dr.B (11:32):
Did that get you away from the pain?
MQ: No. [laughter] Every day, every time that date rolled around I would fall apart. Every time I heard a song that we would sing or we used to listen to together, I’d fall apart. Any time I went through a yellow light for some reason — my brother and I had this thing with yellow lights — I would you know . . . No, it didn't get me away. Nope. But I’m kind of sad that I ran from it because when I feel it, then I feel free.
Dr.B:
Yeah.
MQ:
I feel alive. I don't feel hard anymore. But I didn't know how to do that. You're just not taught those things in this civilization. Unless you're a Bernstein [laughter] when you're born. So, yeah. And I feel like the pain actually brings you closer to your reason, your life will, what you're here for.
Dr.B (12:43):
Okay, and what are you here for?
MQ:
I'm here — to feel connected to my family and to feel — to help teach my children how to not walk away from themselves so that they can be full and create a better life for themselves. And to be a mom in the deepest sense and — to be a wife who creates something different than what my parents created. I'm here for my family.
Dr.B (13:48):
Does that mean sacrifice?
MQ:
No, I don't, I've never really got that part of it because — I don't feel like I'm losing who I am in these people. I feel like — I'm pouring myself into them, yes, but when I'm tired, I say so, and they listen. They don't always like it. They're not always happy about it, but they will lay in bed with me for two more hours and read books so I can sleep, you know, or they'll find another project to do. If I need, you know, need to take a break, you know, it's, it's not—
Dr.B (14:40):
And you've told me your children help you with chores.
MQ:
Yeah, they do. They really do yeah. They don't always like that either. They actually hate it in the moment, but then afterwards they always say that they're grateful that it feels better when the house is clean. [laughter] When they can find their toys and when, um, they can just feel at ease in our home. And when Mommy is relaxed, they like it because when things get too messy, it doesn't feel good, and I don't feel at ease, you know? Tay, the past three days has done all the laundry all on his own.
Dr.B:
Ohhh.
MQ:
I didn't ask for it or anything. He goes, he asked me how to do the soap. I showed him how and he, so he's putting all the loads in, switching, taking them all out, and then he brings them up for me, and all I have to do is put them away, and it's been so nice because laundry is my nemesis. With a big family, it's really hard.
Dr.B:
And he assumed that all by himself.
MQ:
And out of his inspiration. How did it come about? A couple days ago I was so far behind on laundry. I had like 12 baskets of [laughter], and I'm not exaggerating, of overfilled laundry. Some were clean, some were not, and I said guys I've got to get this laundry done, and I started doing it, and he just was like, "Mom, how do I do the soap?" And he's like, "I'm the laundry man." And I was like, "Okay!" And he, and then he'll take Kai and Chloe down, and he'll help them put the soap in, and they'll take turns and yeah, they really—
Dr.B:
Tay is the oldest, but all of seven going on eight.
MQ:
Yes.
Dr.B:
Yeah.
MQ:
I have seven, five, and three-and-a-half right now. So, yeah, it's really good. They do help. It's not sacrificial, and if it is, I don't think I've ever crossed the line of that. But if I did I knew, would know it was my own doing.
Dr.B:
Ah.
MQ:
I would know it's—
Dr.B (16:43):
So it’s not necessary.
MQ:
It’s not necessary. You don't have to do it. My kids are so happy, and I don't sacrifice for them. And as an example, here's another example.
Our oldest, Tay, he loves football, he loves, um, choir, and he loves karate. Well, we're in a little two-month time span where all of those things come together. And I said, "Tay." Well, my husband and I talked about wow, this feels like a lot. Even though karate’s just down the street, even though football’s just down the street, even though choir is ten minutes away, it feels like a lot. And I said, "Tay, this feels like a lot." He goes, “Mom, you know, it feels like a lot, and I'm afraid if I do too much my foot’s gonna get hurt. So maybe I can take a break from karate while I play football”—
Dr.B:
Ahh.
MQ:
And that like, lifted everything. And that felt doable. And, and so he's taking a two-month break from karate, knowing he can go back when football's over. And the best part of that, also, was that his sensei was nervous that he was going to be left behind, but he doesn't have that concern cuz he knows he has a passion for it and he knows that that won't, it doesn't matter how long it takes him to get to a black belt, because he feels like it's going to be a part of his life his whole life.
Dr.B:
That’s so unusual.
MQ:
Yeah, and from a seven-year-old boy. I like him. [laughter] He can teach people some things I think. So, it was really good. So they meet you. But the thing is, is you have to be, they'll meet you wherever you are. If you're going to sacrifice they'll take that, I'm sure, not because they don't know that they're taking if you're saying yes, they're thinking it's okay. It's not malicious, you know, but if you don't then even if they don't like it, they do respect it they do. They're very respectful people, these little guys.
Dr.B (18:51):
You make it clear that you're the parent.
MQ:
Yeah, but not in a hard way just by, just by, "that doesn't feel right to me," cuz they, they like to be able to say when stuff doesn't feel right to them.
Dr.B:
Yes.
MQ:
So, yeah, yeah, I do make it clear in the, in the yinest sense of it all and the softest…
Dr.B (19:15):
What is "yinest"?
MQ:
Yin is like, yin is like my, um, my natural state, soft and rooted.
Dr.B:
So is my natural state yin?
MQ:
I would hope not. I would hope you had some yinness. But I also hope you would be not hard but um—
Dr.B:
More assertive.
MQ:
Yeah rooted like, um, not, um, more just taking action—
Dr.B:
Mm. Um-hum.
MQ:
—in a non-violent manner.
Dr.B:
Okay.
MQ:
Yeah. Yup. There’s a lot coming up today in this short time.
Dr.B (19:55):
Anything else that comes to mind today? There is a lot that has come up, and I want to make sure we don't, we, that this becomes digestible.
MQ:
Yeah. I have one other thing I want to talk about.
Dr.B:
Please.
MQ:
So we don't have to use whatever, you know, we can segment it however we need to but. So, with this fourth Q, we call it the fourth Q. [laughter] I was calling it the final Q, and my kids were getting very mad at me about that.
Dr.B:
Wow.
MQ:
But, my best friend has five so they kind, they—
Dr.B:
Ohhh, okay.
MQ:
So they say, "Well Tess has, well she has five." Well I'm not her, and she's, she's warned me. So, but anyway, [laughter] um, but, so, with this one—
Dr.B
I have six. [laughter]
MQ:
You do. You have six. I wanted six, remember? Do you remember? I was pregnant with Tay and I came into the office one day, and I said, "Stuart I want six kids." You were like, "I have six kids." Like, okay. Anyway, I don't know, anyway so, with, after my, our daughter was born, I, like I said, I could just feel that, it's not that I didn't want to have another kid ever. I just was like, I felt, you know, full, like full. There was not room for another one there just wasn't. There's no way, without me going crazy. And I don't want that. I don't want to go crazy, and I don't want to stress myself out. And my connection to my three are, is, and my husband, that's the most important thing to me in the world.
And so, we were on a trip in Indiana last year and my little girl, who was, well she was two at the time, looked at me. We were at a museum. She looked up at me and she said, "I wanna be a big sister. I need a baby." And I kind of laughed it off like, oh honey, you don't, you don't know what that really means, but I felt something when she said that.
Dr.B:
She meant it.
MQ:
She meant it.
Dr.B:
She meant it.
MQ:
This girl is pure—
Dr.B:
Yes, she is.
MQ:
—this one I have, she's remarkable. And she meant it, and it got me considering. Now, in the past when I've had that desire, consideration come in, I've jumped on it right away. I've really wanted that. Um.
Dr.B (22:28):
So what's wrong with that?
MQ:
It's wrong if it's not if it's not within your means. It's irresponsible if it's not good for all involved, it's irresponsible.
Dr.B:
Ahh.
MQ:
It's not just me that I'm considering, and this one hit me hard. I was like, I'm considering my husband, who's told me he wanted more anyways, but I'm considering him—
Dr.B:
He wants to collect the whole set. [laughter]
MQ:
I don’t know. [laughter] He likes to be a dad. He likes the challenges that it brings in the way it heals him, and he loves his children. I'm lucky. I feel really lucky. Anyway, um, but it affects those, those three little beings, too, because my biggest concern was how am I going to stay connected to them with another one coming in, and I've searched it for over a year. What's motivating me? Why do I want this? Um. Is this safe? Is this crazy? And what I kept coming back to was, I could feel two things. It felt like I was called to it. It felt that same magnetism to Cody, that same, like, calling, like, yes, this is what I want to do. This is what I'm here for. And I could feel that all my family wanted the same—
Dr.B:
Ahhh.
MQ:
—thing. They said it verbally, but I could also feel it in them, that they all wanted that. And so here we are, almost exactly a year later. We've conceived. And last night, I was laying in bed and this horrible voice came inside my head. It was like, "How are you going to do this? You're crazy. You did the wrong thing," and then I start to get scared because I'm like, oh, but that's not how I really feel, and like are these voices going to cause me to miscarry? You know, I'll be seven weeks tomorrow. That's so, you know, these are fragile moments. The first trimester is a fragile time. And I asked myself, is this a voice that's telling me I've overridden? Or is this a voice — let's see, let me rephrase that — is this voice something I really need to listen to because it's valid and it's true, or is this my fighting mind? Trying to make me miserable. And it's been really challenging because, four, four people is a lot. But, when I feel those words, I feel like that makes up the third thing that I came in with, and that is self-sabotage. Where I make myself feel horrible for no, the motivation is just to—
Dr.B:
By listening to that voice.
MQ:
—to destroy by listening to that voice. By, by giving it any validity.
Dr.B (25:56):
So how can you tell that that voice is not in your best interest?
MQ:
Because it makes me anxious,. It makes me feel, like I'm a balloon, like my head is detached from my body. It makes me feel like I don't know who I am, and, makes me feel alone, and I’m not alone in this. I'm not alone. I'm being perfectly met by all members including this one in my belly that I can feel is here, here with a purpose, and feels — so alive, so aligned with these guys, and I feel that in my belly, and that feels good. The other stuff feels wretched. So—
Dr.B:
And those voices were this morning?
MQ:
Yeah. They were this morning. They came in this morning, and I've had, I've heard them sneak in a couple times before. They snuck in one time when, right before we conceived, like right before we were going to conceive, like thinking about now is a good time, and I had, I reckoned with them. But what happens is if you have a seed of doubt, then you like, want to listen to them to see what they're going to tell you. Does that make sense?
Dr.B (27:24):
Yeah, my teacher would call that devil energy.
MQ:
Yeah. It's really bad to like be curious about it. Does that make sense?
Dr.B:
Yes.
MQ:
Yeah, and it feels like that, and how I know it feels like that is because of this spiral it takes me in and the motivation that I feel behind the thoughts, the energy that I feel behind them all. So, that is where I can say these tools that I've learned with you come in extra handy. [laughter]
Dr.B:
Oh, thank you.
MQ:
Yeah, thank you, all of it.
Dr.B:
So, okay a little bit to chew on, ah, so, we'll stop there for today. Thank you very much.
MQ:
Thank you.